Zoolander No. 2 - directed by Ben Stiller
Starring: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Kristen Wiig, Will Ferrell, Penelope Cruz, Benedict Cumberbatch, Christine Taylor, Billy Zane, Ariana Grande, Fred Armisen, Keifer Sutherland, Cyrus Arnold, Justin Bieber
Screenplay: Ben Stiller & Justin Theroux
Music Score by: Theodore Shapiro
Cinematography: Daniel Mindel
Edited by: Greg Hayden
Running Time: 122 minutes
Rated: M - Language
Running Time: 102 minutes
Rated: M - One 'F' bomb and some sexually suggestive content
My fear with "Zoolander 2" was that it would be yet another in a string of disappointingly weak second comedy movies failing to capture the magic of their highly regarded predecessors.
Think "Anchorman 2", "22 Jump Street", "Horrible Bosses 2", "Dumb and Dumber To".... that sad list could go on and on and on.
Well this movie isn't a disappointment - it is an out and out bad movie.
Really bad.
I sat in a cinema for the preview screening tonight with about twenty other people and the silence as joke after joke bombed was bordering on physically painful.
When I tell you in all honesty that there is not one laugh derived from dialogue and the funniest moment is courtesy of a Susan Boyle cameo you will hopefully start to get an idea at how epically this movie fails.
And what did it have to do really?
It is the sequel that fans of "Zoolander" have been clamouring for.
The first movie grew on me over the years to the point where it became highly quotable and actually got funnier and funnier with each viewing.
So for me the sequel didn't have to outdo the original.
All that I wanted from it was 90 more minutes of Derek and Hansel smattered with some cameos, a few outrageous laughs, and a bunch of wonderful, well deserved shots at the fashion industry and its vapid ways.
That doesn't seem that hard to me - it really doesn't.
I am genuinely amazed at how far below my already low expectations "Zoolander 2" sails.
And the warning signs are there very, very early.
The Justin Bieber opening scene is supposed to delight people as he is gunned down in a ridiculously over the top manner.
Who wouldn't enjoy seeing the man that many love to hate riddled with bullets?
Director / writer Stiller squanders the opportunity of those clear intentions and it falls flat in a blaze of not-knowing-when-to-quit-edness.
I wouldn't dream of crticising a Zoolander movie for a lack of subtlety but there is over doing it and then there is this.
As the story is set up the tired old mechanism of dismantling everything that came before it is used.
Derek's wife Matilda has died in a building collapse, the friendship between Derek and Hansel is no more and neither man is remotely famous now.
Just once it would be nice if a story continued from what was built previously rather than clumsily demolishing it so that the very same story could be told all over again.
The word that kept popping into my head as I watched this movie drag along was 'Lazy'.
Everything is obvious.
Telegraphed.
Clumsy..... Lazy.
A couple of times the script even has a character explain the joke that has just been made in case it wasn't clear enough.
It is akin to watching a stand up comedian try to salvage a joke that has just died.
In fact it is exactly that.
This was one of the most uncomfortably awkward cinema experiences of recent memory.
I think that I would rather attended a double feature of "Blue Is the Warmest Colour" and "Fifty Shades of Grey" with my grandmother, priest and a gay friend nude than sit through this one again.
At first I felt sorry for everyone involved then I started to feel sorry just for myself - sitting there grimacing as all but a scant few jokes bombed.
I know what you're thinking..... he doesn't like it because he isn't really a fan and was expecting too much.
I am and I really was not.
If you are unconvinced let me tell you that Keifer Sutherland plays himself as a member of a dozen or so strong orgy party that Hansel is involved with.
The group includes a Sumo Wrestler, a gorgeous model, a midget, an old woman and a hippo.
And he has got them all pregnant.... even Keifer Sutherland.
Read that again and let it sink in knowing that I am being literal in my description.
And Sutherland keeps coming back again and again throughout the movie to remind us that this isn't funny.
What's worse is that he is absolutely going for it with his performance.
Initially I thought that he was playing his "24" character Jack Bauer and I was actually relieved when it was revealed that he was playing himself.
At least one great character is safe - I like "24" and can continue to.
There are many more cameo appearances not all of which I spotted.
Thankfully the nitwit duo Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are amongst the un-spotted so I guess I should give some credit for that.
I do feel like I need to try and find some positives but I fear that in doing so I will only make things worse as the extent of the squandered opportunity is further highlighted.
There is an advert featuring Stiller as a half man, half cow that threatens to raise a laugh.... what else?....
Penelope Cruz is an Oscar winning actress and clearly one of the most beautiful women in the world.
But in playing Interpol Fashion officer Melanie Valentina only the latter is required. It is utilised well in a sexy fighting scene later in the piece to be fair.
It is a shame to see such a talent relegated to the attractive accessory to Stiller but then I guess it is oddly appropriate.
Kristen Wiig..... I have repeatedly described her as the funniest human being on the planet and I firmly believe that.
Her role as.... I don't know - Russian?... Alexanya Atoz affords Wiig plenty of scope to go nuts.
She lets rip with an absurd, almost unintelligible accent and costumes that should be silly but for the fact that we've seen worse on real catwalks.
I love Wiig but even she can do only so much with the thin material provided.
There seems to be much set up for later payoff that doesn't.
We are told that she doesn't walk - she glides.
I assumed that this would result in a reveal of some sort later but no- she is discarded without any such thing.
Billy Zane, Sting, Katy Perry and a string of real big name fashion designer cameos all appear to be set up for payoffs that likewise don't eventuate.
Two however do bear fruit.
Susan Boyle - yes THAT Susan Boyle - has a very brief cameo as herself that actually made me laugh.
Benedict Cumberbatch as androgynous model 'All' does more to generate humour with a few astounding facial expressions than anything that the script hands him.
And that is it.
There is nothing else positive that I can say about "Zoolander 2" other than it ends.
It takes 102 minutes to do so and feels like 130 but it does mercifully finally fade out.
RATING: 58 / 100
CONCLUSION: When your biggest laugh is a five second cameo from Susan Boyle you are in trouble. This movie is bad. Genuinely awful.
Screenplay: Ben Stiller & Justin Theroux
Music Score by: Theodore Shapiro
Cinematography: Daniel Mindel
Edited by: Greg Hayden
Running Time: 122 minutes
Rated: M - Language
Running Time: 102 minutes
Rated: M - One 'F' bomb and some sexually suggestive content
My fear with "Zoolander 2" was that it would be yet another in a string of disappointingly weak second comedy movies failing to capture the magic of their highly regarded predecessors.
Think "Anchorman 2", "22 Jump Street", "Horrible Bosses 2", "Dumb and Dumber To".... that sad list could go on and on and on.
Well this movie isn't a disappointment - it is an out and out bad movie.
Really bad.
I sat in a cinema for the preview screening tonight with about twenty other people and the silence as joke after joke bombed was bordering on physically painful.
When I tell you in all honesty that there is not one laugh derived from dialogue and the funniest moment is courtesy of a Susan Boyle cameo you will hopefully start to get an idea at how epically this movie fails.
And what did it have to do really?
It is the sequel that fans of "Zoolander" have been clamouring for.
The first movie grew on me over the years to the point where it became highly quotable and actually got funnier and funnier with each viewing.
So for me the sequel didn't have to outdo the original.
All that I wanted from it was 90 more minutes of Derek and Hansel smattered with some cameos, a few outrageous laughs, and a bunch of wonderful, well deserved shots at the fashion industry and its vapid ways.
That doesn't seem that hard to me - it really doesn't.
I am genuinely amazed at how far below my already low expectations "Zoolander 2" sails.
And the warning signs are there very, very early.
The Justin Bieber opening scene is supposed to delight people as he is gunned down in a ridiculously over the top manner.
Who wouldn't enjoy seeing the man that many love to hate riddled with bullets?
Director / writer Stiller squanders the opportunity of those clear intentions and it falls flat in a blaze of not-knowing-when-to-quit-edness.
I wouldn't dream of crticising a Zoolander movie for a lack of subtlety but there is over doing it and then there is this.
As the story is set up the tired old mechanism of dismantling everything that came before it is used.
Derek's wife Matilda has died in a building collapse, the friendship between Derek and Hansel is no more and neither man is remotely famous now.
Just once it would be nice if a story continued from what was built previously rather than clumsily demolishing it so that the very same story could be told all over again.
The word that kept popping into my head as I watched this movie drag along was 'Lazy'.
Everything is obvious.
Telegraphed.
Clumsy..... Lazy.
A couple of times the script even has a character explain the joke that has just been made in case it wasn't clear enough.
It is akin to watching a stand up comedian try to salvage a joke that has just died.
In fact it is exactly that.
This was one of the most uncomfortably awkward cinema experiences of recent memory.
I think that I would rather attended a double feature of "Blue Is the Warmest Colour" and "Fifty Shades of Grey" with my grandmother, priest and a gay friend nude than sit through this one again.
At first I felt sorry for everyone involved then I started to feel sorry just for myself - sitting there grimacing as all but a scant few jokes bombed.
I know what you're thinking..... he doesn't like it because he isn't really a fan and was expecting too much.
I am and I really was not.
If you are unconvinced let me tell you that Keifer Sutherland plays himself as a member of a dozen or so strong orgy party that Hansel is involved with.
The group includes a Sumo Wrestler, a gorgeous model, a midget, an old woman and a hippo.
And he has got them all pregnant.... even Keifer Sutherland.
Read that again and let it sink in knowing that I am being literal in my description.
And Sutherland keeps coming back again and again throughout the movie to remind us that this isn't funny.
What's worse is that he is absolutely going for it with his performance.
Initially I thought that he was playing his "24" character Jack Bauer and I was actually relieved when it was revealed that he was playing himself.
At least one great character is safe - I like "24" and can continue to.
There are many more cameo appearances not all of which I spotted.
Thankfully the nitwit duo Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are amongst the un-spotted so I guess I should give some credit for that.
 |
| Kristen Wiig and Benedict Cumberbatch |
There is an advert featuring Stiller as a half man, half cow that threatens to raise a laugh.... what else?....
Penelope Cruz is an Oscar winning actress and clearly one of the most beautiful women in the world.
But in playing Interpol Fashion officer Melanie Valentina only the latter is required. It is utilised well in a sexy fighting scene later in the piece to be fair.
It is a shame to see such a talent relegated to the attractive accessory to Stiller but then I guess it is oddly appropriate.
Kristen Wiig..... I have repeatedly described her as the funniest human being on the planet and I firmly believe that.
Her role as.... I don't know - Russian?... Alexanya Atoz affords Wiig plenty of scope to go nuts.
She lets rip with an absurd, almost unintelligible accent and costumes that should be silly but for the fact that we've seen worse on real catwalks.
I love Wiig but even she can do only so much with the thin material provided.
There seems to be much set up for later payoff that doesn't.
We are told that she doesn't walk - she glides.
I assumed that this would result in a reveal of some sort later but no- she is discarded without any such thing.
Billy Zane, Sting, Katy Perry and a string of real big name fashion designer cameos all appear to be set up for payoffs that likewise don't eventuate.
Two however do bear fruit.
Susan Boyle - yes THAT Susan Boyle - has a very brief cameo as herself that actually made me laugh.
Benedict Cumberbatch as androgynous model 'All' does more to generate humour with a few astounding facial expressions than anything that the script hands him.
And that is it.
There is nothing else positive that I can say about "Zoolander 2" other than it ends.
It takes 102 minutes to do so and feels like 130 but it does mercifully finally fade out.
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