The Last Witch Hunter - directed by Breck Eisner
Starring: Vin Diesel, Rose Leslie, Michael Caine, Elijah Wood, Rena Owen, Olafur Darri Olafsson, Julie Engelbrecht
Running Time: 106 minutes
Rated: M - Bloodless, Gore Free Fantasy Violence
My hopes for this movie were not high even before it opened in the States to pretty poor returns.
It just looked like hokey junk - the sort that Vin Diesel gets to make because his Fast and Furious movies make tanker loads of cash.
Speaking of which... I don't like Vin Diesel much as an actor.
I like him as Riddick and here and there in other movies but he has never risen beyond Arnie in his heyday levels in terms of being convincing as anything but a big ole fleshy battering ram.
Both are fine beating people up and they can sure open movies with their name above the title but just don't have them do any serious acting or heaven forbid- a love scene.
(I still cringe every time I watch Schwarzenegger attempting to make out with Sharon Stone in "Total Recall" - I've seen donkeys eat seed from a feedbag with more sexiness even though the mouth movements are essentially the same in both instances)
But today I found myself in a darkened cinema hoping beyond hope like I always do as the curtains part that I was about to see something good and surprising and fun.
But no.
This is without a doubt one of the dullest, most out and out boring films I have seen this year.
I am pretty forgiving with this genre of movie and I think with most movies generally.
So long as they have some fun scenes and entertain I can forgive less than stellar acting, effects and so forth.
But there's a limit and "The Last Witch Hunter" is on the wrong side of it.
Whilst the effects and cinematography are perfectly fine it is the acting of Diesel, a lack of a decent villain and the terrible script loaded with predictability and some dire, dire dialogue that kills it.
When the script and the lead actor fail you are doomed and despite a pretty decent opening scene I found myself cringing for most of the film and bored for all but a scant few minutes.
That opening scene sees Diesel's Kaulder joining a band of mysterious men as they trek through snowy mountains to lay siege to the giant tree that houses a coven of witches responsible for the black death.
I got a Conan the Barbarian / Snow White and the Huntsmen vibe off it which boded well.
The action set piece that follows was nicely done with some slick sword play and suitably grotesque and intimidating witches.
Clearly Kaulder is the star of the show as all but a few of his comrades go down like little girls almost instantly while the main man slashes and stabs his way to a climax that will see the witch defeated and he granted immortality.
Pretty sweet deal you'd think but in fact since Mrs Kaulder and Kaulder Jr have succumbed to the plague already he is not looking forward to an eternity alone.
Honourable men such as these don't shrug such things off and leap at the opportunity for a millennia's worth of shagging around of course. They must sulk year upon year and swat crumpet away left and right as they pine for their lost love.
Flash forward a few centuries or more and Kaulder is decked out in modern duds and traveling the world enforcing a pact that his order has with the witches that forbids them from using their dark talents on humans.
To do this he goes the vampire route of having a human aide- a familiar of sorts.
In this case it is Michael Caine as Dolan 36th.
These assistants are all named Dolan with whatever number they are in the chronological order.
It's not a bad setup and pretty ripe for some rollicking shenanigans.
It goes off the rails pretty fast though with the completely expected early departure of Caine.
Not before a scene in which Diesel tries to play the old friend and fails dismally.
He laughs heartily going for the easy banter that one would find between two mutually respectful friends who have known each other for decades but missing so, so badly.
It is not good.
Really not good at all.
I think director Eisner knew it too because often he stays on Caine's face while Diesel is chortling heartily.
Poor old Michael Caine must have thought that he was back in the 1980's when he couldn't get a break and had to appear in things like "Jaws the Revenge", "The Island" and "The Hand".
Soon Rose Leslie appears as a witch bar owner and no- I am not taking the piss - she really is.
For reasons that I can't remember and don't care to she has some sort of talent that Kaulder needs in order to the do the thing that he needs to do and so they team up.
With brand spanking new Dolan number 37 (Elijah Wood) tagging along the trio proceed to do nothing interesting at all for about thirty minutes.
And they utter some horrible, horrible dialogue that seems to dribble out of their mouths to fall to the ground with a splat.
Here is one exchange....
[Chloe] - "If you die in the dream you will die"
[Kaulder]- "I can't die"
[Chloe] - "I have to say it for insurance purposes"
Ugh.
It is horrific.
You may be able to get away with terrible dialogue in Fast and Furious movies and there seems to be a universal agreement that we'll all let it go 'cos it's sort of part of the cheesy appeal but it does not work here and I signed no such agreement.
It is the combination of failures that really kills this film.
Leslie, Caine and Wood are fine but have nothing to work with so are wasted completely.
Diesel is terrible, the dialogue is awful, the action is dull and there is no chemistry at all between anyone involved.
This movie resulted in the first time this year that I seriously considered walking out of a cinema with a film still running.
Two people around me did leaving me rocking away in the fetal position in seat F10 daydreaming for the remaining half hour as to what fun things they might be up to as I sat there grimacing at the screen willing it to end.
I feel sorry for Breck Eisner - I like him and I genuinely love "Sahara".
He is a good director and he can do better than this and I really hope that he does.
This movie almost pips "Love" as the worst thing I've seen this year and I saw a man vomit a milkshake on a cat in March so this is a serious claim.
RATING: 48/ 100
CONCLUSION: An absolute waste of however much money it cost to make this boring crapfest. The writers of this previously gave us "Dracula Untold" and "Priest" and either of those has ten times the entertainment of this movie. Awful.
Running Time: 106 minutes
Rated: M - Bloodless, Gore Free Fantasy Violence
My hopes for this movie were not high even before it opened in the States to pretty poor returns.
It just looked like hokey junk - the sort that Vin Diesel gets to make because his Fast and Furious movies make tanker loads of cash.
Speaking of which... I don't like Vin Diesel much as an actor.
I like him as Riddick and here and there in other movies but he has never risen beyond Arnie in his heyday levels in terms of being convincing as anything but a big ole fleshy battering ram.
Both are fine beating people up and they can sure open movies with their name above the title but just don't have them do any serious acting or heaven forbid- a love scene.
(I still cringe every time I watch Schwarzenegger attempting to make out with Sharon Stone in "Total Recall" - I've seen donkeys eat seed from a feedbag with more sexiness even though the mouth movements are essentially the same in both instances)
But today I found myself in a darkened cinema hoping beyond hope like I always do as the curtains part that I was about to see something good and surprising and fun.
But no.
This is without a doubt one of the dullest, most out and out boring films I have seen this year.
I am pretty forgiving with this genre of movie and I think with most movies generally.
So long as they have some fun scenes and entertain I can forgive less than stellar acting, effects and so forth.
But there's a limit and "The Last Witch Hunter" is on the wrong side of it.
Whilst the effects and cinematography are perfectly fine it is the acting of Diesel, a lack of a decent villain and the terrible script loaded with predictability and some dire, dire dialogue that kills it.
When the script and the lead actor fail you are doomed and despite a pretty decent opening scene I found myself cringing for most of the film and bored for all but a scant few minutes.
 |
| Rose Leslie, Vin Diesel, Elijah Wood and Michael Caine |
I got a Conan the Barbarian / Snow White and the Huntsmen vibe off it which boded well.
The action set piece that follows was nicely done with some slick sword play and suitably grotesque and intimidating witches.
Clearly Kaulder is the star of the show as all but a few of his comrades go down like little girls almost instantly while the main man slashes and stabs his way to a climax that will see the witch defeated and he granted immortality.
Pretty sweet deal you'd think but in fact since Mrs Kaulder and Kaulder Jr have succumbed to the plague already he is not looking forward to an eternity alone.
Honourable men such as these don't shrug such things off and leap at the opportunity for a millennia's worth of shagging around of course. They must sulk year upon year and swat crumpet away left and right as they pine for their lost love.
Flash forward a few centuries or more and Kaulder is decked out in modern duds and traveling the world enforcing a pact that his order has with the witches that forbids them from using their dark talents on humans.
To do this he goes the vampire route of having a human aide- a familiar of sorts.
In this case it is Michael Caine as Dolan 36th.
These assistants are all named Dolan with whatever number they are in the chronological order.
It's not a bad setup and pretty ripe for some rollicking shenanigans.
It goes off the rails pretty fast though with the completely expected early departure of Caine.
Not before a scene in which Diesel tries to play the old friend and fails dismally.
He laughs heartily going for the easy banter that one would find between two mutually respectful friends who have known each other for decades but missing so, so badly.
 |
| There is at least some nice art direction |
Really not good at all.
I think director Eisner knew it too because often he stays on Caine's face while Diesel is chortling heartily.
Poor old Michael Caine must have thought that he was back in the 1980's when he couldn't get a break and had to appear in things like "Jaws the Revenge", "The Island" and "The Hand".
Soon Rose Leslie appears as a witch bar owner and no- I am not taking the piss - she really is.
For reasons that I can't remember and don't care to she has some sort of talent that Kaulder needs in order to the do the thing that he needs to do and so they team up.
With brand spanking new Dolan number 37 (Elijah Wood) tagging along the trio proceed to do nothing interesting at all for about thirty minutes.
And they utter some horrible, horrible dialogue that seems to dribble out of their mouths to fall to the ground with a splat.
Here is one exchange....
[Chloe] - "If you die in the dream you will die"
[Kaulder]- "I can't die"
[Chloe] - "I have to say it for insurance purposes"
Ugh.
It is horrific.
You may be able to get away with terrible dialogue in Fast and Furious movies and there seems to be a universal agreement that we'll all let it go 'cos it's sort of part of the cheesy appeal but it does not work here and I signed no such agreement.
 |
| Every single character here looks like they have detected a pungent botty cough... it was possibly the script |
Leslie, Caine and Wood are fine but have nothing to work with so are wasted completely.
Diesel is terrible, the dialogue is awful, the action is dull and there is no chemistry at all between anyone involved.
This movie resulted in the first time this year that I seriously considered walking out of a cinema with a film still running.
Two people around me did leaving me rocking away in the fetal position in seat F10 daydreaming for the remaining half hour as to what fun things they might be up to as I sat there grimacing at the screen willing it to end.
I feel sorry for Breck Eisner - I like him and I genuinely love "Sahara".
He is a good director and he can do better than this and I really hope that he does.
This movie almost pips "Love" as the worst thing I've seen this year and I saw a man vomit a milkshake on a cat in March so this is a serious claim.
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