"Machete Kills" - directed by Robert Rodriguez
The first Machete movie was pretty good I thought.
Based on a fake trailer in the Grindhouse movies (Rodriguez's "Planet Terror" and Tarantino's "Death Proof") it was fun.
It threw all of what makes the type of exploitation cinema that it parodied such fun up on the screen.
That would be violence and nudity delivered in hyper corny fashion.
What's not to like?
In truth I didn't actually like it as much as I had thought that I would.
'Fake' exploitation just doesn't have the appeal of the real thing.
It's the same as movies that are intentionally bad - they are never quite as enjoyable as those that try so, so hard to be good and fail miserably.
As much as I like "Sharktopus", "Sharknado" and the like I would much rather watch "Plan Nine From Outer Space" or "The Brain From Planet Arous" any day.
Their ineptness is part of their appeal and it was not faked.
But "Machete" was well made and it was genuine in its love for the genre that it paid homage to and there was fun aplenty.
With the sequel creator Robert Rodriguez has done what you'd expect - he has thrown a lot more at it this time.
Look at the cast list for a start - it is insane.
Amber Heard is reason enough for me to see a movie but this one adds in a manic Sofia Vergara, effects great (and frequent Rodriguez collaborator) Tom Savini, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, William Sadler, Vanessa Hudgens, Michelle Rodriguez, Alexa Vega and the truly awesome Walton Goggins.
That is a whole lot of eye candy mixed in with some terrific character actors.
The question then is can the sum of those impressive parts add up to a whole worth seeing?
Not surprisingly "Machete Kills" begins with the old scratchy "Coming Soon" and "Feature Presentation" screens that Tarantino used in front of his Kill Bill movies and of course Rodriguez employed for his "Planet Terror".
What is a surprise is a trailer for another Machete movie that pretty much spoils the ending of the one that you are about to see!
The movie proper kicks in and this time we find Machete captured and blamed for a murder he didn't commit and about to be executed by a Texas Sheriff (a goofy portrayal from William Sadler).
Saved from hanging by none other than the President of the United States (Charlie Sheen) he is recruited to track down and kill a Mexican Despot.
We're not here for a thrilling plot and everything that happens from the first frame is merely at the service of providing a frame to hang a bunch of action scenes on.
Without spoiling anything there are car chases, assassins, brutal finishing moves that would make Mortal Kombat whince and some of the craziest characters ever committed to film (or digital tape in this case)
How about Sofia Vargara as a Brothel Madam with tiny mini-guns mounted in a steel bra?
Demian Bichir as a villain with distinct multiple personalities?
Lady Gaga, Cuba Gooding Jr, Walton Goggins and Antonio Banderas as the same master of disguise assassin?
When Danny Trejo plays the most normal character in a movie you know that it is a wild time.
The problem is that it isn't quite as wild as it thinks it is or indeed as it should be.
Very quickly a flatness sets in that is only alleviated briefly on all too infrequent occasions.
Any time that Amber Heard is on screen it picks up.
Sure- this might be my bias but she is very, very good and looks incredible even by her high standards.
Vanessa Hudgens is also incandescently lovely but she only gets a couple of good, very brief scenes before she is no longer required.
La Cameleon - the assassin who changes identity as soon as someone sees the current one is a nice idea that allows for four interesting actors to have a crack.
I'd have preferred the first iteration- Walton Goggins- had continued for the duration.
I suspect that there isn't enough there for one portrayal. This is a character completely driven by an idea.
There is nothing there beyond the concept.
It is just one half explored idea in a movie loaded with such frustrations.
And that is the main issue that I have with "Machete Kills".
With fewer ideas and characters better explored and utilised it could have been goofy, violent fun.
Instead it is a shambolic collection of scenes and characters that outstay their welcome at around the hour mark.
It is too often the case- an idea or character is introduced then quickly discarded.
I am not going to criticise it too much for poor characterisations and lack of motivation because this is not that sort of movie.
Surely though we are entitled to a tight plot with some sense of flow to it?
I am not asking for a twist laden spy novel of a plot - just a more refined, simpler one that gets from go to wo in a smooth manner that makes sense.
Too much doesn't in fact make sense and it becomes obvious that the whole Machete schtick has been exhausted already in the first movie.
The script expects that we will forgive any lapse in logic or sense because hey- it's supposed to be like that.
As the clock hit the sixty minute mark I was not excited by the prospect of another forty five minutes more.
And how did I know it was an hour in?
I looked at my watch.
Not a good sign.
The real shame is that there is a fun flick hiding in here and the final half hour almost saves it.
In fact if the entire middle third had been ripped out and this was an hour long mini-feature I imagine it would be much more fun.
Michelle Rodriguez for example does nothing to advance the plot. She is just there to look good (and she sure does)
Mel Gibson however is a riot as Voz the arms dealer who seems ripped right out of a Roger Moore era Bond movie.
Once he arrives there are shades of "Moonraker" about this movie and I mean that as a compliment of sorts.
It is yet another shift in the story but this at least is a welcome one.
It almost hits the right goofy tone in these last minutes but it is too little too late.
With fewer but better written characters and a plot that logically made its way from beginning to end this could have been a taut, dark and fun little flick of the sort that those films from years ago that inspired it desperately wanted to be.
A staggering number of beautiful women and a Friday the Thirteenth level inventiveness in the kills does not make up for a lack of these things.
It would be easy to blame the reliance on the cheap looking digital effects and CGI blood splatter but there is something else very, very phony about "Machete Kills".
It is almost condescending towards the films that it purports to be inspired by.
Everything is just that little bit too silly to the degree that any honest to goodness action that could have been red, raw and exciting is merely bland.
No one in the movie aside from Machete and a couple of the villains can shoot straight and the hero even seems to be impervious to repeated chokings, explosions and gunshot wounds.
There is no tension and no sense of urgency despite the oft used countdown clock that signifies how long Machete has to save the world.
To enjoy "Machete Kills" as much as I did I had suck out whatever nuggets of enjoyment that I could.
An absurd boat motor kill.... Amber Heard.... Demian Bichir and Walton Goggins demented and delightful performances.... a genuinely funny Star Wars reference - they are mere moments in a film that is far too long and far too low on entertainment.
And poor old Danny Trejo as Machete- once the most interesting character in the movie he is now the blandest.
He is reduced to some lame attempts at revisiting the "Machete don't text" line from the first movie- none of which get close.
The predictable "Machete don't tweet" is merely one offender.
But then with all of those characters and all of those scenes crammed together what room is there for even a title character?
This is a very weak sequel and I would doubt that the third movie it seems so desperate to make possible will happen at all.
Based on a fake trailer in the Grindhouse movies (Rodriguez's "Planet Terror" and Tarantino's "Death Proof") it was fun.
It threw all of what makes the type of exploitation cinema that it parodied such fun up on the screen.
That would be violence and nudity delivered in hyper corny fashion.
What's not to like?
In truth I didn't actually like it as much as I had thought that I would.
'Fake' exploitation just doesn't have the appeal of the real thing.
It's the same as movies that are intentionally bad - they are never quite as enjoyable as those that try so, so hard to be good and fail miserably.
As much as I like "Sharktopus", "Sharknado" and the like I would much rather watch "Plan Nine From Outer Space" or "The Brain From Planet Arous" any day.
Their ineptness is part of their appeal and it was not faked.
But "Machete" was well made and it was genuine in its love for the genre that it paid homage to and there was fun aplenty.
With the sequel creator Robert Rodriguez has done what you'd expect - he has thrown a lot more at it this time.
Look at the cast list for a start - it is insane.
Amber Heard is reason enough for me to see a movie but this one adds in a manic Sofia Vergara, effects great (and frequent Rodriguez collaborator) Tom Savini, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, William Sadler, Vanessa Hudgens, Michelle Rodriguez, Alexa Vega and the truly awesome Walton Goggins.
That is a whole lot of eye candy mixed in with some terrific character actors.
The question then is can the sum of those impressive parts add up to a whole worth seeing?
 |
| The interesting cast includes Tom Savini, William Sadler, Cuba Gooding, Mel Gibson, Demian Bichir and Charlie Sheen |
What is a surprise is a trailer for another Machete movie that pretty much spoils the ending of the one that you are about to see!
The movie proper kicks in and this time we find Machete captured and blamed for a murder he didn't commit and about to be executed by a Texas Sheriff (a goofy portrayal from William Sadler).
Saved from hanging by none other than the President of the United States (Charlie Sheen) he is recruited to track down and kill a Mexican Despot.
We're not here for a thrilling plot and everything that happens from the first frame is merely at the service of providing a frame to hang a bunch of action scenes on.
Without spoiling anything there are car chases, assassins, brutal finishing moves that would make Mortal Kombat whince and some of the craziest characters ever committed to film (or digital tape in this case)
How about Sofia Vargara as a Brothel Madam with tiny mini-guns mounted in a steel bra?
Demian Bichir as a villain with distinct multiple personalities?
Lady Gaga, Cuba Gooding Jr, Walton Goggins and Antonio Banderas as the same master of disguise assassin?
When Danny Trejo plays the most normal character in a movie you know that it is a wild time.
The problem is that it isn't quite as wild as it thinks it is or indeed as it should be.
Very quickly a flatness sets in that is only alleviated briefly on all too infrequent occasions.
 |
| I'll admit that this made me laugh |
Sure- this might be my bias but she is very, very good and looks incredible even by her high standards.
Vanessa Hudgens is also incandescently lovely but she only gets a couple of good, very brief scenes before she is no longer required.
La Cameleon - the assassin who changes identity as soon as someone sees the current one is a nice idea that allows for four interesting actors to have a crack.
I'd have preferred the first iteration- Walton Goggins- had continued for the duration.
I suspect that there isn't enough there for one portrayal. This is a character completely driven by an idea.
There is nothing there beyond the concept.
It is just one half explored idea in a movie loaded with such frustrations.
And that is the main issue that I have with "Machete Kills".
With fewer ideas and characters better explored and utilised it could have been goofy, violent fun.
Instead it is a shambolic collection of scenes and characters that outstay their welcome at around the hour mark.
It is too often the case- an idea or character is introduced then quickly discarded.
I am not going to criticise it too much for poor characterisations and lack of motivation because this is not that sort of movie.
Surely though we are entitled to a tight plot with some sense of flow to it?
I am not asking for a twist laden spy novel of a plot - just a more refined, simpler one that gets from go to wo in a smooth manner that makes sense.
Too much doesn't in fact make sense and it becomes obvious that the whole Machete schtick has been exhausted already in the first movie.
The script expects that we will forgive any lapse in logic or sense because hey- it's supposed to be like that.
As the clock hit the sixty minute mark I was not excited by the prospect of another forty five minutes more.
And how did I know it was an hour in?
I looked at my watch.
Not a good sign.
 |
| Michelle Rodriguez, Amber Heard, Vanessa Hudgens, Alexa Vega and Amber Heard |
In fact if the entire middle third had been ripped out and this was an hour long mini-feature I imagine it would be much more fun.
Michelle Rodriguez for example does nothing to advance the plot. She is just there to look good (and she sure does)
Mel Gibson however is a riot as Voz the arms dealer who seems ripped right out of a Roger Moore era Bond movie.
Once he arrives there are shades of "Moonraker" about this movie and I mean that as a compliment of sorts.
It is yet another shift in the story but this at least is a welcome one.
It almost hits the right goofy tone in these last minutes but it is too little too late.
With fewer but better written characters and a plot that logically made its way from beginning to end this could have been a taut, dark and fun little flick of the sort that those films from years ago that inspired it desperately wanted to be.
A staggering number of beautiful women and a Friday the Thirteenth level inventiveness in the kills does not make up for a lack of these things.
 |
| The action in "Machete Kills" is generally uninspired with mere flashes of inspiration |
It is almost condescending towards the films that it purports to be inspired by.
Everything is just that little bit too silly to the degree that any honest to goodness action that could have been red, raw and exciting is merely bland.
No one in the movie aside from Machete and a couple of the villains can shoot straight and the hero even seems to be impervious to repeated chokings, explosions and gunshot wounds.
There is no tension and no sense of urgency despite the oft used countdown clock that signifies how long Machete has to save the world.
To enjoy "Machete Kills" as much as I did I had suck out whatever nuggets of enjoyment that I could.
An absurd boat motor kill.... Amber Heard.... Demian Bichir and Walton Goggins demented and delightful performances.... a genuinely funny Star Wars reference - they are mere moments in a film that is far too long and far too low on entertainment.
And poor old Danny Trejo as Machete- once the most interesting character in the movie he is now the blandest.
He is reduced to some lame attempts at revisiting the "Machete don't text" line from the first movie- none of which get close.
The predictable "Machete don't tweet" is merely one offender.
But then with all of those characters and all of those scenes crammed together what room is there for even a title character?
This is a very weak sequel and I would doubt that the third movie it seems so desperate to make possible will happen at all.
| Rated | R16 for violence, language and sex scenes |
| Running Time: | 107 minutes (1hr, 41mins without end credits) |
| Starring: |
| Danny Trejo | --- Machete |
| Amber Heard | --- Miss San Antonio |
| Mel Gibson | --- Voz |
| Demian Bichir | --- Mendez |
| Michelle Rodriguez | --- Luz |
| Sofia Vergara | --- Charlie Sheen |
| Lady Gaga | --- La Cameleon 1 |
| Antonio Banderas | --- La Cameleon 2 |
| Walton Goggins | --- La Cameleon 3 |
| Cuba Gooding Jr. | --- La Cameleon 4 |
| Alexa Vega | --- Killjoy |
| Vanessa Hudgens | --- Cereza |
| Tom Savini | --- Osiris Armanpur |
| William Sadler | --- Sheriff DoakesL |
| Marko Zaror | --- Zaror |
| Jessica Alba | --- Santana |
| Julio Oscar Mechoso | --- Chepo |
| Callie Hernandez | --- Space Babe |
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